You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
