meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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