I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
