if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
