I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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