Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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