I wish I only lived at night.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
