She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
