fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
