I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
