True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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