I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
