so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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