No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
