I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
