he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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