Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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