My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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