if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
