when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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