Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
