Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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