Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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