My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
