im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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