I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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