was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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