i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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