Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
is that a dick in a sweater?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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