true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
