Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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