you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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