So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
