I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
