Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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