apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Pooping to opera.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
