shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
