Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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