i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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