How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
