Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
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