Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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