How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
