i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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