Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
