shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It's official drugs can't kill me
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
