When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
