I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
