I must be too annoying 4 u.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
