you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
